God's Grace...Again....

So I was feeling a bit nostalgic lately.
Maybe due to the weather, maybe due to the time of year (I love, love, LOVE Fall).

I have had some seriously cool dreams where people I haven't talked to in years pop up in one or the other and I wake up smiling. It's been great. Until today.

Today I "googled" someone, just to see if I could find him. Someone whom I have not actually seen for at least 17 or 18 years; but someone whom I loved when I was younger. Much younger.

So...getting back to Google. I searched. I found.
I did not like what I found. I was troubled enough by what I found that I am now writing about it.

Where did my friend show up on the search?
White pages? nope
Business directory? nope
Classmates.com? nope

How about the state Department of Justice Violent and Sexual Offenders List?
Yep.
What your brain just did...what your insides just did when you read that....that "ugh" you just experienced?
Yep. THAT.

I sighed "Good Lord" loud enough to make my daughter ask, "What, Mom?" to which I said, "nothing, honey"....of course. What was I going to say: "oh, your mom just found out that one of the guys she was closest to as a young girl is now a violent offender"...uh-uh. It was "nothing, honey."

So I am deeply disturbed by this little fact that I just HAD to find out today. Isn't technology great? Hmmm sometimes I suppose. Okay, always, I guess. What if I had just called the house and "got in touch" like I have done so often since the internet was so easy to snoop people with? What if I just sent a Christmas card and reconnected? Ha! Bad idea!  How totally deflating to find someone and be excited and then whammo, realize that the "finding" will be as far as I will ever get.

As I read down the information provided for my friend, a voice in my head started reminding me of all the times I was alone with this boy, all the times I went to his house, his mom let me in, and I crawled into bed with him and just talked (yes, really). I thought of all the times he protected me at teenage parties, all the times he comforted me in my teen angst against my dad, all the times he....doesn't matter. Whatever kind of man this boy turned into was not what I experienced. He wasn't violent to me, or with me. He, in fact, was who I went to when I experienced violence in my own home during those years.

See? "Good Lord" was an appropriate exclamation! God was, is, and will be good enough to keep me safe when it is His will.  Safe from others, and from myself sometimes. His grace covers me; and His love is where I turn at times like these: times that are disturbing. Times that make me say, "what the...????"

But I am also blessed to be able to turn to God in the good times; and thank God for the good times in my past. When I am faced with big, huge slaps in the face like finding someone I care about on the flippin' Department of Justice Offenders list (argh!!) I know that there is God in it. Period. ...and then I can move on.

And let closed doors stay closed.

Thank you, God. Again.